Wedding

The wedding went great. He walked down the aisle. That was a fear of mine that he wouldn't with so many people in the church. Garrett keep some treats in his pockets so it kept him preoccupied. I'll post some pictures. Other than that, nothing too new. My temps. did drop 0.4* I don't know what that means. I'm on 10dpo (days post ovulation) and they say you can get a dip on implantation anywhere from 7dpo-12dpo. Or it could mean a new cycle is going to start. I guess we'll have to wait and see what the temp says tomorrow. Now, for pictures.

Impatiently waiting

I have 5 days before I can test. The tww will be done on Thursday. I have been feeling alittle yucky lately. But, it's hard to say what that means. It doesn't nessarily mean anything. I did test this am and it was negative. But, I think it's too early. The kind I was using said that at 4 days before your missed period that it was only 51% accurate. So, today is even less. I'll probably wait until next week now to test. We'll see though. Sometimes I get too impatient. I'm trying not to get too down or too positive because it is still too early. It's hard to stay positive when the test says negative and it's hard to not get too excited when you feel yucky and tired. I guess only time will tell.

Garrett and Sawyer left to go to Greenville to get the fixed tux of Sawyer's. His tux was just huge. The shirt was WAY too big and the jacket needed fixing. Not to metion the shoes were too small. But, supposedly they could get the new one by 9am today so off they went. We have to be to the church by 1pm. I'm not dressing Sawyer until I have too. There is NO WAY I can keep that kid clean for 2 hours. He's a boy for criminy sakes! He's always dirty! :) Hopefully all goes well. I'll try and post a couple of pictures. Oh, his friend is the flower girl and he said that it's his wedding tomorrow with the friend. But, it was ok that Garrett's cousin got married too.

Still waiting

Well, I'm still waiting for a new cycle to start or the day that I can start to test. The earliest I could test would be Saturday. Most hpt (home pregnancy tests) will work effectively 5 days before a missed period. I am trying to keep patient and wait until next Thursday. I will see if I can hold out that far. At least if we don't get pregnant this cycle we have a plan in place that will work for the next cycle.

Like I said before during these two weeks you are always looking for symptoms. I have been more tired, but not the same tired as I was with Sawyer, if that makes sense. I have had a little bit of nausea but, who knows it could be something I ate. You never quite now. I have had some mild cramping as well. That could just be the new cycle getting ready to start or they say it could be implantation. Like I said all this can go either way, so I try not to get too excited or get my hopes up too high. It's all ended in a new cycle anyway.

This has been my first week of school. Tonight is my last class for the week. I have to get the homework done for both classes before the weekend. Garrett and Sawyer are in a wedding Saturday and Friday is the rehersal. I have to get groceries that day too, so that leaves minimal time to get homework done. I have all day tomorrow after I get done cleaning the house. I only have a little bit left anyway. It shouldn't take too much longer.

In the tww!

Well, I'm in the tww (two week wait). So, in two weeks I'll test and see if this round worked. If not it's off to surgery and IUI. I also belong to a site that keeps track of my temps. for me. I got cross hairs on the day I ovulated! That has NEVER happened before, so I'm excited to see what next Thursday brings. Hopefully a postive hpt. There is always a part of me that thinks that it probably didn't work and we'll be onto IUI. It hasn't for so many months. But, I'm trying to stay positive.

The stupid people at the RE office billed the wrong insurance company. Imagine, that didn't want to pay our bill. I am shocked. Stupids! I called and left a message with the right insurance information and will call tomorrow after work or while I'm at work if I have time and straighten this out. I swear some people just don't pay attention.

Tomorrow starts my last week at the clinic. Then, it's off to work at the elem. school. It should be a lot less stressful. I start class tomorrow night as well. I just have one class at the college and I'm taking another one online. I am hoping it won't be too bad of a schedule. I'm sure it will be ok as soon as I get myself into a routine.

Waiting!

Well, it's just a waiting game now. Waiting for another cycle to begin or to finally have a postive pregnancy test and hope that it implanted in the right spot this time. A lot of this infertility stuff is a hurry up and wait game. That's one of the reasons it gets so darn annoying. Hurry, hurry, hurry and then wait. It's so weird how everything works out. Right now, I'm in the mode of either deciding if I'm ovulating, have ovulated or are these early signs of pregnancy. But, that's how every cycle has gone from the beginning. Now, the only problem is, I'm trying to remember what I felt like with Sawyer. It's starting be be so long ago, that I just can't remember. I just remember I was really tired for the first few months and nausous. Then, they say every pregnancy is different, so you never quite now. Medicine is never an exact science.

Next week is my last week of work at the clinic. I'm done Tuesday. I do start classes again on Monday. I have A&P 2 and Nutrition. I am taking the nutrition class online and I have to go to the college for the A&P class. It shouldn't be too bad. I'm still waiting to hear what days I am working at the school. They cut my hours to 15 instead of the 25. The college says they don't have the approval for that many hours from the state. I think with the money we'll save with gas, it won't be too bad for us anyway. Then, it's on to our wedding season. We have one every weekend for a while now. Garrett and Sawyer are in the first one, Garrett's in the second one, then they both can relax and enjoy the reception of the other ones. We'll see how Sawyer does as ring bearer. He's going to be a pro by next year. He'll be ring bearer three times total. I think he'll do ok, because the flower girl is his friend. He calls her his girlfriend. That's a sign of that your baby is getting older, I dont' know what is. :(

The Decision Day!

We have made our decision. We are going through with clomid and IUI. The dr. was more optimistic today when I told her we just couldn't do IVF right now. She understood completely. She wants to do the surgery like I had a couple of years ago for endometriosis. She wants to see how much I have again and take out what is there, if any. She thinks that, that is the cause of the last ectopic. She said that she wants to do everything in her power not to have another ectopic, which is good. I feel much better after the meeting. I can't have the surgery until next cycle. She wants to do it after the start of the cycle but, before ovulation. I'm suppose to call as soon as my cycle starts and schedule the surgery. She is thinking probably cd (cycle day) 7 or 10. Then, we can proceed with IUI if there isn't too much damage. If there is and she doesn't feel it would be safe to do IUI it's IVF, adoption, or be done with just Sawyer. But, we'll cross that bridge when we get there. I feel much better with this decision that I did last week. Hopefully, we'll never need to decide the next step. Like I told Dana, we could be finding out that we are pregnant as soon as Oct. if everything goes right. That's kind of exciting to think like that. If you think optimisticly it'll work. At least that's what I'm telling myself. :)

Error!

The doctor's office made an error. They put me on the wrong doctor. I called them first thing this am to see what was wrong. I haven't ever seen the other doctor. The receptionist said that she put me under the wrong doctor but, I still had my appt. tomorrow am. Garrett and I will make our final decision tonight, but it looks like clomid and IUI unless $10,000 falls from the sky tonight. :) I think I'm ok with that decision, just a little nervous. But, really who isn't when they embark on another chapter of their lives. I'm sure everything will work out like it's suppose to. I just have to keep telling myself that I must stay patient and accept what comes. I just hope that's a postive pregnancy test. I keep teasing Garrett that after all the trouble we've been having getting pregnant with this one, it better be a girl!! I'd be happy with anything that was healthy though. I just have to tease him though. He's always said even before we knew Sawyer was a boy that he can only have boys. We'll see if he's right.

Dr. Appt.

Our doctor appt. was suppose to be Wednesday. But, they called and need to reschedule. The doctor was going to be out of the office. But, the thing is, it's the other doctor in the office, not the one I see. I'll have to call them when I'm at work and see what is going on. I left them a message too and hopefully they call as well.

We still haven't made our decision. I think we are leaning toward IUI and clomid. We just don't have the money right now to do IVF. I think that would be the "nicer" route, but we just don't have the cash. I am still researching online low intrest and zero intrest loans. We'll see what we come up with.

Thinking, Thinking, Thinking

Well we have no news on what we have decided yet. Garrett and I started talking about it last night, which made me feel a lot better. We are no closer to a decision. We have until Wednesday to decide, so I guess we have a few days yet. I think I would like to try the clomid with IUI (intrauterine insemination) but I just can't get past the "at least 50%" chance of another ectopic. That is really scary to me. I just don't know if I want to go through that again. Then again, I would kick myself if we went to IVF and could have gotten pregnant with the cheaper route. The $10,000 is a lot to swallow. I'll be doing research this weekend on loans and I'll call the RE on Monday to see if they have anywhere they recommend for loans. I think the more information we have about both decisions the better. It's just a really big and hard decision to make. Either one has really good qualities and really bad quailities that make it difficult. But, like Dad said, no one can make these decisions except Garrett and I. It would just be so much easier to have one option. That way I'm not kicking myself if I make the wrong one. There are no easy answers in life, right!?! I think one of the biggest obsticles that Garrett is having is that we have had lots of testing done, me more than him, and we still don't have any of the answers we want. We don't know why we are having so much trouble this time. No one knows or has any ideas. That is really hard for him to wrap his head around. He believes that if we are paying money and they are running all these tests it should be like any other doctor and have some sort of result at the end. I totally understand where he is comming from. We just have to move on from here. There really isn't anything we can do about it. We just take the information we've recieved and go from there. Hopefully, soon we'll come to our decision. I'm sure you are all anxious to hear what we decide.

The Big RE Appt.

Well, the big RE appt. was today. We have to make a decision on what we want to do. Since both of our testing came back normal we have two options. One is to do the IVF, which costs $10,000. Which we don't have and would have to find that somewhere. The other option is to do clomid and IUI. But, with that we run the risk of at least 50% of having an ectopic again. So, Garrett and I need to decide on what we want to do. I see the positives and negatives of both. I just don't know. We have to decide by next Wednesday since we have to go back to the dr. to sign papers either way. I guess Garrett and I will have a lot of talking to do this week.

Sawyer was helping Garrett with the moving of the dirt. He was riding his gator up on the dirt piles. He got stuck a couple of times. Silly boy! He was having lots of fun though. He always does. He is such a good helper, at least he thinks he is. :)

Clomid Check!

Well, the clomid is done for this cycle. YAY!!! I did have hot flashes and weird dreams again. Hopefully both will subside now that the medication is over. I'll start opk (ovulation prediction testing) tonight or tomorrow. It will depend on how I feel later tonight or tomorrow. I'm leading toward tomorrow since I forgot to take it when I got home from work. Ooops! Oh well. I'll be temping again this cycle as well. So far, I've temped only a few days. I don't like to temp. on the days I get up early for work, since they won't really help me much anyway. You are suppose to temp. the same times everyday and just as you are waking up. Sometimes I forget though. I'm better when I don't have to work.

Ovulation is usually around cd (cycle day) 16-19 for me. It ranges a few days shy or a few days longer. It just depends. So, in about a week or so. But, like I said, I don't take any of that for granted. You just have to fly by the seat of your pants sometimes.

Well for our lives outside of that, is getting busy. Garrett is trying to get some odd jobs done in between all the weddings we have yet and all their commitments and fall work. Hopefully, he gets them all done in time. We'll see though. I am going to start school again in a few weeks. I have to go and get my books sometime this week too. Plus, I have to get my work contract to work at the elem. school. It should be a busy few weeks.

Last Night of Clomid!!

Tonight is the last dose of my clomid! Last night was one of the worst for hot flashes. At least this time they only shown up right before my end dose. Hopefully they won't be too bad. I'm still having vivid dreams. I don't know if that's just the over excited imagination or a side effect of the clomid. I didn't have the vivid dreams the other times I've taken the clomid, so who knows.

Garrett went and got his testing done today. That's a good thing out of the way. They said that the tests won't be back for 5-7 days. I hope they get them done faster than that. We have an appt. with the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) on Thursday. I'm sure that she would want the whole results of both testing before she makes a decision on what our next step is. Garrett couldn't get in any earlier because you had to make an appt and this was the soonest he could get in. We made the appt. a month ago. It's nuts at Sparrow I guess. So, I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that they will get all the test results by Thursday. If not maybe the doctor can call and get them over the phone. We'll see.

Well, class is going to start the 25th and my last day at the clinic is the 26th. I'm going to work more at the Elem. school. It will be closer so, I can save gas money and I'll work some more hours too. Plus, the stress of that place will be gone too. Because stress can cause the infertility issues too. This is just one more step on our way to baby number 2!

Not so bad so far!

The meds. have been good to me so far. I only did my second day, but no side effects really so far other than the weird dreams I keep having. I don't really expect them to start up until the end of the dosage cycle, day 7 of the cycle. I'll start opk (ovulation prediction kits) when I'm done with the clomid. For you that aren't firmilar with those, they help dectect the hormones that show you are ovulating. I usually start right after the clomid because I always think I'll miss it. I have some of the cheaper ones that I got from a friend, so it hasn't cost us too much yet. I'll have to get more at the end of this cycle though becuase I'm getting low. :) Hopefully, I won't need them. Usually it goes that I have a faint + (positive) but, that's due to the medication. So, I watch the line disappear and when it re-appears, I know that it's the "real thing". There are just times when this is so darn difficult and wonder if it's all worth it. But, I think it is. Whatever is in store for us, we'll appreciate it that much more. If IVF or adoption is in our future, at least we will have the peace of mind to know that we've tried everything else in our power before that. I'm sure that will help with any of the decisions we may make.

I would really like to try IVF, but $10,000 is a lot of money that we don't have right now. Not many people have that in their accounts these days anyway. I would just like to be pregnant one last time. Just one more healthy baby is all I'm asking for. I try to say one healthy term pregnancy so that I keep my thoughts away from the ectopic chances and the chances of miscarrage. Who knew it can be so difficult! I hope this isn't a preview of the stubborness I'll have to deal with when he/she gets here finally. :) I think this is part of the Ryan stubborness. :)

Clomid Day One Over!!

Last night I took my first clomid dose for this cycle. I usually don't start to get the side effects of hot flashes until the end of the dosing schedule (or end of the 5 days). I did have the weirdest dreams last night though. I was yelling at an instructor at a lecture on ttc (trying to concieve) on being more tactful when talking about that stuff because some people have been trying for a long time and haven't been successful. Another one, I was at my grandmother's house and she was there. We were just talking about everything and watching the cars go by her house. It was very weird. It's just too bad she's not here to talk to her about it and get her wisdom. I really miss her somedays! But, like Sawyer says, "She's ok, she's in heaven with Scootie!". Sweet boy, he always makes me smile. I've been really emotional these last few days too. It's probably due to the start of my new cycle. So, it's on to another dose tonight! For you that don't understand clomid, you are suppose to take it to as close to the same time each day/night. I've chosen to take them at night since I have less dramatic side effects. Most people do take them then.

Well last night was a bit of a remembering night. I was laying in bed watching tv with Sawyer and I just got the thought in my head that I would have a huge baby belly right now. It would be hard to see the tv over it. I would only have 4 weeks left of pregnancy if the ectopic would have implanted where it was suppose to. There are just days and situations that bring that all to the forfront. I'm sure it will be like that the rest of my life, on the day I was due, just thinking what that baby would have been like or when I would have reached certain milstones in pregnancy were hard too. At 20 weeks we should have been having an ultrasound. Instead I was still enduring blood tests to make sure my baby had been absorbed. There are just days that this whole situation just sucks!! We would be great parents and can't have a baby. While there are people out there that could give two cents about their kids and can pop them out like a pez dispenser! I guess I'm just getting a good lesson in patience! I think that I'm ready for a different lesson now. :)

First Blogging day/Getting to know our journey

We have been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant for about 1 year, give or take a few days. I have been on clomid those months except for the 3 around the ectopic we had in January.

That loss was very hard. We had been trying for so long, without telling our families that we were. We finally got pregnant after trying for months just to find out that the pregnancy had to be terminated or I would bleed out internally and pass away. So, we made the very hard decision to end that pregnancy. It was horrible. Not only were we going through the loss of our baby, we were trying to wrap our heads around the loss of our niece just the week before. Needless to say, that month was not a good one for us. But, what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger, right?!?

Now, we are enlisting the help of a RE (reproductive endrocrinologist). We are hopeful that this will be our ticket to a baby. She didn't sound very encouraging since I have a history of ectopic. That IVF (invitro fertilization) will be required to get pregnant again. We'll get the results to all of our tests next Thursday at our appointment and get a plan of action. Hopefully, this gives us our baby.

This journey for this baby has been a very hard, long and confusing journey. After getting pregnant with my son so quickly and easily this time is getting very frustrating. No one seems to have the answers of why this is happening to us this time. Each day has a different emotion. Someday's I'm very hopeful that, that cycle is the ONE!! Others is a down day where I don't think that this will ever happen again. The days in between are the spots in between those emotions. It's just very hard if you have never been down the road of infertility and loss to explain the emotions that go along with every cycle. But, I'll try to give you the blow by blow of how I'm doing at each point of this journey.

I just started this new cycle on Wednesday. Tonight is the night I start 100mg of clomid. I hope the side effects aren't too bad. I usually just get hot flashes at night and sometimes during the day. I can usually get comfortable by just uncovering or finding a cooler place to settle into. There are some emotional side effects too. I think I get grumpier and can be set off a little easier. But, Garrett is doing a great job getting through those. I think he understands that it's not him, it's the medicine. He's a great trooper!

Garrett goes for testing on Monday and hopefully we have the results by Thursday when we see the doctor. I'm anxious to see what road she thinks we should go down. I'll try and keep everyone updated.